tuesday night our community group met, and although there were a few of us who were sick and feeling under the weather, we were eager for fellowship after a weekend apart. for whatever reason, only a few people had been able to meet with each other outside of the group one on one, and we were craving quality time.
as we all arrived, we were expectant of what God would do during that time. we worshipped and prayed, and shared stories from our adventures of the last few days since we'd met, and laughed up a storm as our joy in seeing each other again poured out of us.
it was good times with good people, and just what we all needed.
we discussed some amazing stuff in the Word, prayed for those of us who were sick, and we all loved seeing how God -yet again- drew us closer together. as the night went on, people filtered in and out as usual as we wound down... and then something interesting happened... i got a text.
meagan had left a bit earlier, and shortly after she left she texted me and said she was coming back because she was heavyhearted and realized she needed to share what she was going through instead of trying to deal with it alone.
we started praying.
a short time later, meagan walked in again and sat down on the couch.
(due to the fact that her vulnerability played a huge part of this night, and i would never want to discouage that by sharing it without her knowledge... its important for me to point out that meagan has given me permission to share the details below. okay, thanks. keep reading.)
in tears, meagan shared with the group that she lost her dad when she was 11 or 12. he went into a diabetic coma and collapsed. because of his death, from a young age she has always struggled with her fear of abandonment, and specifically the fear that she may one day lose the rest of her family. at the young age of 20, these fears still plague her...
she shared that her fear in these areas holds her back in many ways, and it paralyzes her ability to just "let go and let God" so to speak. constant fear of the "what if's" in life is a depressing and burdensome load to carry for her. to be able to trust that the ones she loves are in God's capable hands has always been a struggle for her. her fear has poured over into her dreams, and turned into nightmares... and on tuesday she was overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion.
she very literally couldn't keep it all inside anymore...
the previous saturday, for the first time in her life, she had come face to face with a man at the hospital where she works, who was on his death bed in a diabetic coma... just like her dad once was. her fears escalated and poured over from personal fear into confusion about her place at the hospital, and if that was where she was meant to be.
we were able to affirm to her that she is a light in the darkness... in a sorrowful place where she faces pain and discomfort and death... and even miraculous healing, at times... she is the light in that place. God has equipped her with supernatural strength of mind and emotion to be able to handle the sorrow she deals with on a daily basis.
she is the one who walks in a room at that hospital and brings joy and comfort with her... she is the face and the touch and the laugh that hurting and dying people will remember... and her compassion and empathy for them in their pain, is so intense that she remember them, too... every one of them.
yet, she also is needed elsewhere... and in order to be effective, she has to learn when to release that pain... that burden... to God. He can handle it... it's like this... although she can put her hand against someone's wound to stop the "bleeding," at some point she has to let go and let Him do the surgery... let him heal the wounds both physically and emotionally for so many people she comes into contact with...
her pain... her hurt... her fears... they make her the woman she is today. they make her effective and trustworthy and safe for the people God brings into her life. she can gain control of them and harness them for God's glory, or she can live her life held captive in fear, and unable to utilize the abilities God has given her, to her full potential.
in the vulnerability of her tears and frustration, we as her friends and family were able to rally around her. we assured her of the unfailing love of God, and His ability to restore her peace of mind and comfort her in her times of sorrow.
joy and nate m. busted out out their Bibles and pointed out scriptural references about how Christ's perfect love casts out fear, and how the Lord has equipped us to conquer our fears by trusting in his love... in his soveriegnty.
even in death, we have nothing to fear.
at some point, everyone in our group played a part in our effort to try and help ease meagan's pain and restore her joy in who God has created her to be. whether it was through scriptural Truth, combatting her fears... or things our parents taught us that gave us comfort in times of distress... even a comforting hand to reach out and play with her hair... sometimes words from experience of how we've dealt with fear and doubt...
it all added up. it all made a difference.
in the end, meagan's trust in God's faithfulness was renewed, and her confidence in her gift was strengthened.
in her words... "i left and then i came back tonight with a heavy heart, and now i feel like i could float out that door."
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